16 June 2010

Did North Korea throw their match to Brazil?

Everyone knows North Korea's (That's "Democratic People's Republic of Korea" if you're nasty) Kim Jong-Il is one talented mothershutyomouth, so it's no surprise that he'd want his country's team to keep a low profile during the World Cup.

Evidence of this is clear. The refusal to allow outside media to interview their players and closing their training sessions is just the tip of the iceberg. They've handcuffed one of their scorers to goalkeeper duty and Kim Jong-Il is so focused on keeping the tournament competitive that he has actually prevented the North Korean domination of the arenas as well, choosing to import Chinese stand ins to cheer for their national team. Have actual North Koreans come to South Africa? Clearly that would intimidate the competing countries so much that they'd probably submit defeat before even taking the field.

Showing mercy on a World Cup level

Does it end there? No, my friends. The golf superhero and fashion icon chooses to remotely coach his team as well, opting to relay his in-game guidance remotely via invisible cell phone technology that he might just have developed in his spare time, and specifically for this occasion.

So on behalf of the world, thank you Kim Jong-Il (can we just call you Jong?) for not releasing your unearthly sports prowess and coming down to South Africa in person. Throwing that game to Brazil is a sure sign that we were all wrong about you and your cult of personality. Keeping your people all hidden away from everyone else in South Africa was more for our safety I'm sure.

I suspect you may want to take this one step further and direct your guys to not make it out of the first round. You wouldn't want things to be unfair would you?

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