26 February 2011

ghetto fob: (it’s time for the) ejaculator

Previously mentioned ghetto fob Michael Kevin Lallana was found guilty this week of “2 counts battery and 2 counts committing a crime for sexual gratification” for ejaculating into the water bottle of a female coworker.

Seriously this is just some nasty isht.. 

Prosecution’s opening statement:

“The defendant says he found Tiffany very attractive. You’re going to hear him say that what essentially turned him on about this is that he knew that her lips had touched that water bottle. And there was something about her lips that kind of touched it and this was as close as he could get to somebody that good looking.”

And for the defense:

“Mr. Lallana never assaulted, because the crimes are assault and battery. The evidence is going to show that Mr. Lallana never assaulted Tiffany G. The evidence is going to show that Mr. Lallana never battered her in any way. The evidence is going to further show that any acts proven that Mr. Lallana did were not as a result of sexual gratification.”

Dude popped off into her water bottle and put it back on her desk.  Twice.  He also went off “into cups, paper, and his own water bottle”.  In the office

Sick, but - according to expert testimony Lallana is actually suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

“A psychologist said he showed a pattern of a need for admiration, immature behavior, and passive-aggressive tendencies.”

Immature behavior: check.  Passive-Aggressive tendencies: check.  However I’m not sure how what he did fulfills his need for admiration.  Try again.

An expert witness also stated that:

“…as a Filipino man, Lallana claimed that he was often disturbed by the thought that Asian women would choose Caucasian men over Filipinos. Lallana also claimed that his own mother preferred--she herself married--a Caucasian.”

Ok Ok WAIT.  I understand how you could feel that way. Filipino (and I would argue all Asian American) men have been fighting that one for ages.  THAT DOESN’T GIVE YOU THE PERMISSION TO PUT YOUR STUFF IN A WHITE GIRL’S WATER BOTTLE AND PUT IT BACK ON HER DESK.

I can’t think about this anymore.  I don’t need to know why.  I don’t want to know why.  I hope this poor woman can move on with her life and that no one ever associates her with this story ever again.

All I know is that I’m gonna be freaking myself out around water bottles like when I was a kid watching Prince of Darkness for the first time late at night.  It really wasn’t that great of a movie but I couldn’t touch a dang mirror after dark for a week.

[ABS-CBN: Alleged Filipino ejaculator confesses | Psychoanalyst: Ejaculator is not a sex offender | Pinoy 'ejaculator' found guilty of sexual crime]

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